Personal Ad
by MovieMan563
Summary: A man out of luck in his love life, places an ad in the personals. But, a mistake leads to a gay man responding, and they set out to turn him into a ladies man, but also suave and sexy. Chapter 3 up!
1. A Bad Love Life

Personal Ad, Chapter one

A Bad Love Life

As the dark clouds spewed rain onto the gray streets of upper Manhattan, Jim Prewster walked quickly to the café. He threw his briefcase upon his head as he started to run toward the little corner Starbucks-inspired eatery, "_Jaque's_ Botisserie_" where his girlfriend Jenny was meeting him for lunch._

He walked through the doors, covered with designs of the French countryside, and came upon a small table in the back of the restaurant, where she was sitting. Jim thought she must have been the most beautiful woman God had ever made in all of his creations. She had smooth, brown hair that ran a little below the shoulders and brown eyes to match, her lips soft and tender, and a cute little nose. As he sat down, Jim noticed the rain had made her hair like spaghetti almost, hanging down in clumped strands with rain droplets rolling down, and that her black eyeliner had run down her face a little bit, reminding him of the makeup the lead singer from Good Charlotte wore.

Not being hungry, both decided to order a loaf of bread, a bottle of wine, and some cheese to set the French picnic mood of the restaurants. As he looked across the crowded café, Jim noticed the decorative artwork on the walls, and a giant mural of the countryside: a gentle stream, a cottage, and two children lying on a blanket on the grass staring at the bountiful sky. 

He looked back at Jenny. "So how was that interview," Jim asked. Jenny was trying to get a job at _People_ magazine as either an editor for movies, books, or CD's, anything she could critique, which Jenny had a talent for. 

She sighed. "It was okay I guess," she mumbled as she changed her gaze to the windows," I don't wanna talk about it. Went bad, ok?"

"Oh Jen, don't worry 'bout it! If they didn't hire you, then I guess they must not know your talent," he replied.

"Dammit Jim, could you just back the fuck off for a second? Jesus you act like my mother," she lashed out.

He looked at her with shock. What had he done? She did want that job, he thought. But he had only tried to help, right? All he wanted to focus on was what he had done, to try and fix it. 

"I'm sorry Jen. I'm sorry. Let's drop it and have lunch, forget it all."

"No, I can't forget, Jim. I'm not mad about the damn magazine, I'm mad I didn't tell you any sooner."

He was puzzled. How did they get from a job review to "I didn't tell you sooner?"

"Um," he said with a twinge of annoyance, "care to explain?"

"Explain what Jim? Explain to you that this relationship is a joke?"

"A joke," he repeated in a whisper. Jim was caught off-guard, he didn't know what to say, while people began to turn their heads, conversations dropping as people quieted to listen. He didn't say anything. He was too afraid to, so he just sat there staring.

She threw her napkin on the table and stood up, and tried not to make a scene as she spoke. "I'm sorry, I've had enough. Look, you're a nice guy and all, but maybe for someone else, alright?!?"

With that she walked out of the restaurant into the pouring rain. Jim sat there, while people pitied him with their eyes, as the conversations in the restaurant began to pick up again, as if nothing had happened. Well, something _had happened. He just got dumped. Not only dumped, but humiliated in front of many people. When the wave of embarrassment came over him, after Jim just realized everything that had just happened, he got up from the table, left thirty bucks to pay the bill, and walked out of the café._

* * * * *

A week after not leaving his apartment, Jim's friend Aisha came over. A strong, independent woman, also the vice-president of the software company Jim worked at, Aisha wasn't afraid to be blunt.

          Jim could tell by the way she looked; Aisha was repulsed by the state of his apartment. A "Bob's Pizza Market" pile of boxes stood in the corner, his couch was covered in dirty clothes and crumbs of food so old Jim couldn't even remember how they got there. His kitchen was filled to the rim with dirty dishes and cups, and his bedroom wasn't pretty either. 

          Aisha strutted in the room and said, "You look like hell, Jim," so bluntly it was as if no thought had been put into it. 

          "Yea well," he replied simply. 

          "Shit, you need to get yourself together, boy! Just 'cus this little girl walked outta your life doesn't mean you gotta just crawl into a fetal position, and cry your eyes out while eatin' pizza and watchin' TV all the time. Get over it!!"

          She was right. Jim looked at himself. He _did_ look like hell, he didn't even recognize himself. 

          "Am I really that bad, Aisha? Am I," he asked. 

          "Yea, you that bad," she said. Aisha was from Louisiana, so she came with a good ole southern accent with her. When people listened to her, or when she comforted someone, it was as if you were talking to your mother, she told you everything you needed to hear, whether you wanted to or not.

          "I'm so embarrassed of myself," Jim said as he brought his hand over his face. He put it down immediately, having felt his course face. 

          "Now, your'e gonna get yourself a shower and a shave, a maid, whoah, do you need one! And then your gonna get over that bitch you act as if you were in love with, and come into work. "

          "Alright, alright. See ya tomorrow, Aisha," he said as he escorted her out.

          "Yea, you betta!"

          He walked into his bathroom and got a good look at himself, which wasn't good. How could I have let myself slip? He asked himself. He jumped into the shower, got a shave, called someone to come in once a week to clean, and slept. 

          When Jim woke up at 6:30 the next morning, everything was different. The maid had come last night before he had gone to sleep, and Jim woke up to a new world, almost. The skies were blue, sun was out, and people were having road rage on the street below. Ah, yes. We're back to normal! 


	2. The Ad

Personal Ads, Chapter two

The Ad

An hour later, Jim was walking down the street to his office, when he came upon a man standing outside the New York Times building, handing out fliers. Unknowingly, Jim instinctively grapped a flier, and read it as he walked: 

Hey there New York! Love life stinks? Well find your match with our personal ad sections! Only sixty bucks a square! To submit your personal ad, please send in your name, age, phone number, and what you enjoy. Good luck!

          Jim stopped, and thought about the ad. He put it in his briefcase, thinking: No that crap's for the desperate people! Jim worked non-stop that day, writing the newest software on his flat-screen desktop in his gray cubicle. By the end of they day, he was exhausted. He closed his briefcase, wiped off the sandwich crumbs off of his tie, and caught a cab, feeling tired. The sky turned a dark purple, orange, and reddish color as the big sun began to set. Then, the city really came to life. The billboards were lit, people went out to dine and shop, and the theater district was packed. This really is the city that never sleeps, Jim thought aloud.

          He walked into his apartment building, and got the elevator right as it was closing. He rode up the long trip up to the thirteenth floor, stepped out, when he came upon Mrs. Gorman.

          Mrs. Gorman was a very chatty woman. She was the typical New Yorker except she was old, a little not right up in the head, and had an extremely loud, yapping dog, with the classic name "Fi-fi."

          "Oh Jim, I heard about your break-up! So sorry, but you really should get over her if she wasn't right for you. Well, I met my Bob in the personal ads and we haven't had a break up, except for the occasional fight, but what relationships can't avoid that," she said quickly. "You really should come over sometime it's really…." She was cut off by the yapping dog, and Jim took the opportunity to run to the door of his apartment. 

          "Well, nice talkin' to ya, Gorman," Jim said as he closed the door on the poor woman and her insane canine. He threw his briefcase on the counter, and went to the fridge to grab some food. As he turned away from the fridge with a Chinese carton from yesterday in his hand, Jim noticed a little orange sheet on the floor. He bent down, and picked it up, and noticed then the sheet had been the Personal ad. 

"Oh it's you again," he mumbled, thinking aloud. Something told Jim not to throw it away, so he just kept it on the counter, staring at it, thinking of the possibilities of a new relationship in the future. Finally, Jim gave in. He spent the whole night writing his ad, trying to be sexy and suave, but everything was ruined when it came to the "What you like to do" section. Should I lie, be cool, forget it, Jim asked himself. "What do I do?"

The next morning, the ad was perfected. Jim ended up stating his job was in computers, but that he wasn't a techie nerd or anything like that. He walked down the Times building, and walked into the marble lobby, where a gold fountain was in the middle. The old-English heading of the newspaper's title was mounted above the reception desk, where a young woman sat, typing at the computer.

Jim walked up, but it was rather difficult, with at least one hundred reporters running to catch a ride in the elevator, while many ran out, going to get a story or a scoop on something. "Hello miss, I have a personal ad I wrote here, and I was wondering where I should send it?"

The beautiful woman spoke, but her voice was impatient, annoyed, "Third floor, second door on the left, and give it to the girl at the desk." 

"Alright, thanks," he said politely. Jim felt strange. Normally, Jim would be nervous, not having much confidence to talk to such a stranger with ease. He followed the woman's directions; Jim took the crowded elevator, to the third floor, and walked into the second door on the left. The window read "Personals". Jim took a breath, and walked into the door, to the office where another young woman sat. She was beautiful; glasses covered her brown eyes, she wore a business suit, but it fit her thin body, and her blonde hair came down to her shoulders. 

"Um, may I help you," she asked as she rummaged around her desk, covered with papers. 

"Yea, you can. I am here to put in my personal ad," Jim said.

"Yes of course you are, here let me take that for you," she said nicely as she extended her arm towards him to take the paper Jim typed up. He gave it to her, and she briefly read it while she asked him another question, "Sex?"

Jim was speechless. Finally, she looked up and asked again, "What sex you looking for?"

"Oh, um, oh yes, male seeking female. Thanks," he said quickly. Embarrassed, he ran out the door, but then Jim started laughing at the situation. It seemed as though everything was gonna get better now, he thought. Jim walked back out of the marble lobby, into the bustling streets of New York, and headed towards his office building.

The secretary looked over the man who had just ran out of her office's paper. Hmm, computer-techie, 35, good literature and movies, huh? Good luck," she joked.  

She got up, went over to the file cabinet in the corner of the room, and opened the drawer. Inside, there were four files each labeled with either Male seeking Female, Female seeking Male, Male seeking Male, and Female seeking Female. She searched for the file marked Male seeking Female, the drawer being so full, and when she thought she had found it, her desk phone began to ring shrilly. She jumped, surprised, dropped the paper in the drawer into its rightful file, and went the phone.

As Jim's day went on, he kept a smile on his face, hoping he would find the right girl, _finally_, after waiting so long. He had known Jenny was wrong for him, but Jim stayed with her for one reason or another. As he continued to write the software, little did Jim know that a few blocks down, the beautiful woman at the desk in the "Personals" room, had placed his Male seeking Female ad into the Male seeking Male file….


	3. A Strange Response

Personal Ad, Chapter 3

A Strange Response

          Over the next two weeks, everything in Jim's life was normal, but it seemed to have lost its zeal. The same old routine every day was boring Jim, and he ended up forgetting about the ad he had placed a while ago.

            One night, Jim went out with Aisha and some other friends to dinner at the famed restaurant Tavern at the Green, where the little bush animals dotted the scenery of the gentle atmosphere of the place. When he returned home that night, narrowly avoiding Mrs. Gorman, he saw in the darkness of his apartment a flashing red light. Jim realized there had been a message on his machine, but didn't think anything of it, and went to watch some TV and then bed.

            When he awoke the next morning, Jim still recognized the flashing light on the answering machine, so, after eating a bowl of Cheerios, he finally played the message back, and was surprised at what he heard. It was a woman's voice, but very high and strange. "Hi, Jim? Oh I read your cute little ad in the paper, and me myself seeming to match your interests, I just thought we would get along," the voice said. Jim smiled, remembering the ad, and realizing some one _did_ like him as a boyfriend or the relationship type. The voice continued, "Anyway, saw a cute little place to eat, thought you would like to go. I'll pick you up at 8 sharp! Sorry to seem so intrusive, it's just that well I don't have much time on my hands. See ya at 8 then Jim!"

            He was shocked. Jim was totally unaware of what to do with himself. "Tonight," he asked aloud. How could he get ready in time for a date by tonight, he asked himself. He looked down at his watch, eleven o'clock already! Immediately, Jim got dressed, and ran out the door. He came out upon the busy Saturday morning, and he thought, what to do, where to go, what first? Jim realized he needed to look good for his date, and not wanting to wear a boring work suit, he jumped into a cab and headed for Barney's New York, and expensive store, but he needed to look great, he thought. After getting himself a new tie and shirt, Jim went to the nearby hair salon, where he got a clean cut. As he walked to the market, Jim noticed his brown hair wasn't gel-ed up like it should have been, so he quickly went back to the salon and bought a Redken gel for $14, but he needed to look the best.

            At the market, Jim purchased a bouquet of roses, and got back to his apartment by one o'clock. Looking back at his watch, Jim relaxed, seeing he had much time to get ready for his date tonight. By six, Jim had cleaned his apartment, washed all the dishes, and jumped into the shower. About an hour later, his brown hair was spiked up, he had had a clean shave, his suit was cleaned and it fit his medium-sized body well, and the roses were waiting in a glass in the kitchen in water. 

The sun began to set on New York, and Jim became excited and worried about his new date. Questions raced through his mind, would he look okay, would she like him, would she not like him, etc. Time raced by as Jim asked himself these things, and his doorbell rang at 7:58 PM, according to the digital clock on the counter. Jim got up slowly, nervous and excited at the same time, grabbed the flowers, took a breath, and opened the door.

Jim's mouth could have dropped to the floor he was so surprised. Turns out there _wasn't _a high pitched woman on the phone that morning, it had been a _man. A gay man. "Well aren't you just so cute and romantic," the man said as he took the flowers and walked into Jim's apartment. "Aww, roses, you must be lonely! No offense, but no guy has ever been this, well, generous to," he cut off. "OH. MY. GOD. IS THAT THAT CUTE POTTERY BARN COUCH ON SALE THIS WEEK? Oh my god you have such great taste," the man said with his girly voice. Jim was flabbergasted, stunned, and shocked at the situation. "Excuse my bluntness but, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!?!?!"_

The man's smiling face, which reminded Jim of someone from _Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, _instantly changed, he was frowning. "Well God almighty you are excused! Look, gay people act like girls, but we don't actually have periods you know, so calm down," the gay man said. Jim was angered, "What the hell is going on? Why are you here??"

"Why am I here?" the man replied. "Why am I here?? Well you placed the ad, jackass. I have never been so mad in my life, little miss piss! Go get a tampon, asshole."

"Wha…Wha….." Jim tried to say. "Ad? My ad? Why are you here then? My ad is in the Male seeking Female section!"

"Oh really, then why did I happen to see it in my Male seeking Male section, huh? Explain that you bimbo!"

"Oh my god. THEY MISPLACED MY AD!?! Oh SHIT I knew this was too good to be true," Jim said, "Look, I'm sorry there must have been some sort of error at the newspaper, I'm straight, not gay."

"No way did I just waste my time on a straight guy. No fuckin' way did I," the man said angrily. He headed for the door, but Jim stopped him. 

"Look I really am sorry. Might as well stay though, right? Nothing better to do, huh?

The man turned back slowly, "Alright, fine, nothing better to do I guess you're right."

Surprisingly to Jim, the two men got along very well, and they both forgot about dinner, and decided to just talk the whole time, when they came upon an interesting idea about an hour later, after Jim just wrapped up the Jim versus Jenny story. "…so she broke up with me. Weird relationship, but I got over it when I placed my ad in the personals."

"You know," the man replied, "gay men do have taste."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means I think I can help you find a girl."

"Oh, ok. The gay guy to the rescue," Jim said mockingly.

"I think you really do need that tampon," Robbie joked. About a while ago earlier, Jim and Robbie finally exchanged names. "But seriously, I think I'm a little bit more in touch with my feminine side then you, tacky."

"Tacky? I'm tacky?" Jim said as he looked down at himself, examining for proof of this remark. 

"Well, hate to break it to ya, but yea, I'm afraid so. But it's nothing I can't fix!"

"Whatta you mean, but it's nothing I can't fix, ?"

"I mean, I can help you find a girl!"

"No offense," Jim said, "but I thought girls were attracted to straight guys. Did I miss the memo or something?"

Robbie coughed some remark like "Ahem, quit the sarcasm. Ahem" and he laughed along with Jim at the joke.

"I mean I can turn you into a stylish, suave ladies man, while still being a gentleman! But, I am low on cash, so it might cost ya a little."

Jim was hooked on the idea, captivated by the originality, a gay man helping straight man, for money!

"Gees, this really is out of _Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, but I am interested. How much we talking here?"_

"Well, depends on what exactly we're buying or doing to you. But I'll let ya know."

He walked to the door, "I gotta go, but I'll call you later Jim, alright?"

Jim was so pleased, "Yea sure," he said, not thinking. He was excited and nervous all over again, and Jim liked the feeling of a challenge. The door shut, and Jim sat on the couch thinking of the new doors Robbie could open up for him, and the rewards that came out of them. The doorbell rang again. It must be Robbie again, Jim thought.

He walked to the door, opened it, and was about to say "Thanks again Robbie" when he was interrupted by a short man who said in a high voice, "Well hellll-oooo gorgeous" while he examined Jim with his eyes. Jim's eyes widened, Not again! he thought as the man stood there smiling. Not again! 


End file.
